I don’t even know how long it’s been since I managed to get off without getting distracted partway through.

it’s super frustrating.

the thing about waterproof vibrators is they make showering way more fun but also massively inefficient.  

all the “female-friendly” porn I’ve watched has been boring as shit

but I’m having trouble finding stuff I like that doesn’t included the words “bitch” or “cunt” every 30 seconds

like, you can have rough sex without it being about “punishment”

sometimes it’s just fun

that awkward moment when you shove your hand in your panties and one of your bracelets gets stuck on your tights.

this chick literally has a butterfly tramp stamp inside of a tribal tramp stamp. 

S K A N K C E P T I O N

Heath Ledger circa 10 Things I Hate About You - so attractive I don’t even feel guilty masturbating over someone who’s dead. 

see also: Marlon Brando circa Streetcar, Clark Gable circa… the 30s. 

sometimes we masturbate just because it’s really good for relieving cramps.

I have no idea whether that’s information that guys would be traumatized by or actually be interested to learn but now you have it. 

I always feel too guilty to successfully fantasize about someone in a relationship with someone else.  even if they’re completely unattainable.

so last night I’m giving him these big googly eyes and holding his hand after the movie and he’s all “I like you a lot and I’m super attracted to you but I’m not very good at expressing that stuff physically.”

and I might as well be saying “come up and see my etchings,” and he’s all gentlemanly and giving me a kiss goodbye.

aaaaagh.

NEVER LEAVE ME, VIBRATOR.

I think I need to stop keeping my vibrator where I can reach it without getting up.